This week has been really difficult, I’ve chastised myself for my behaviour and had to accept that sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you want- us humans are odd beings, and human behaviour is never as predicted.
Last Thursday, on the way back from work, came the email. My tier at work have all been invited to a meeting, where we’ll find out what’s going on, and effectively all be under consultation as a new ‘arrangement’ is proposed.
It’s been on the cards forever, we’ve known for at least two years that it needs to happen, we knew early in the year that it would happen in this half of the year, and we’ve known since the beginning of the summer it would happen in the Autumn.
And yet now, now there’s a date in the diary everyone’s responded. Some have gone into overdrive, overly keen to achieve all of their targets, some are more emotional and pushing back on things, and generally there’s just a lot of unease.
In contrast, I’m just starting a new role, it’s an interim one, so it doesn’t give any security, my existing role will still fall under the consultation. And whilst there’s optimism about the new role and a new challenge, it’s not clean, it only gives certainty for a few months.
And whilst trying to handover my existing job, and get to grips with the new one, comes the consideration of looking at career options in case the news isn’t great. And I just don’t feel I can give it the focus, and to be honest, I think if I were to leave I’d like to just take the time to take a step back, to the question which has hounded me since I was five: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. I enjoy my job, there’s no question of that, but when I think about the various careers I envisaged, this definitely wasn’t it, and to coin a favourite phrase “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”, and maybe it will be the case for me.
But for now, it is a bit dysfunctional, as enthusiasm gets sucked out of the air by a muttering, as plans are treated with care, and promises with more caveats than usual.
And the countdown goes on.