One of the oddest things (well, I did say ‘one of’)in becoming a parent is offering love and responsibility to your children.
In my world the boys have always been a part of CM’s life, my children are really pushing it if they think they can convince me they can remember life before they turned two. It’s ok. They don’t need to, I remember it so well, some days I even documented every hour.
But one thing is for sure. CM took to being a big sister in a way that suggested there had been no other path. Her life may have seemed overturned the day she turned up in a hospital to find everyone coo-ing over two little boys. But no, she counted them, and made them hers.The day the boys started nursery I first noticed their attention sway. Towards a baby named Gwion. Everyday at least one of them would make a beeline for him. They adored Gwion’s big brother as much as they loved him. My nerves would be in shreds as I’d beg them to be gentle, not prod or poke. And they were.
When I (occasionally) take them to soft play, one of them, if not both, will always find a toddler to befriend. To encourage them to reach a little higher, laugh a little louder.I convince myself that one is already the big brother. But I’m not sure that 23 minutes really rocks it. And getting all scientific, just because he popped out first does that mean he was conceived first? He is really the elder? The decision to not have another child, to not offer the opportunity to become an older sibling. It’s far from an easy one.
I think the thing which swung it was the consultant who gently informed us at 20 weeks of our increased chance of having twins again. A decision to have another child is easy, to think about taking our family from three to five children is more than I can equate.
And ever time I see or hear of a family rocking two sets of twins, and every time I see or hear a family having a single birth after multiples. I am so envious.
I talked about envy in a recent post. I’ve learned that envy is ok, it’s a real emotion. It’s being grounded in what you have which makes it ok.
Our family works, and that’s not been easy. But as a family of five we are happy.
And the boys might not know what it is to be a big brother.
But where on earth could my guilt on this one end… how many children later… before I realise I will always have a child who’s not an older sibling.
I have to take joy in what caring and loving children I am raising.
That my boys are so aware of younger children and take the time to ensure inclusion.
I won’t feel guilt or regret for what could have been.
I will live with the joy we have as a family, and the happiness which each of us creates in making our unit everything we are, together.