I think I may need to do more of these type of posts.
Sometimes I scan through the posts I’m writing, and it’s all happening but nothing is said.
Life is moving far too fast at the moment, and I’m remembering to take the moments. It’s just they rarely translate onto my blog.In work terms, the 30th came and went. The 30th was the deadline to submit my preferences document. I didn’t. I got a gentle email me yesterday letting me know. I sent a gentle email back.
I am opting out of employment.
I am not taking voluntary redundancy. This is being made very clear to me. I am voluntarily opting for compulsory redundancy.
It seems surreal typing it. It feels like a grown up choice when I feel so far from this status.
When I’m questioned I feel even more uneasy.
I know our lifestyle is solely based on my income.
I know that without my income our life will change. Completely.
But for the first time ever, I’m considering that life must be about more.
Without explaining my long story, I accidentally sold my car at the end of August.
We’ve had two months ‘coping’ with only one car.
I have a feeling of achievement.
The only time we struggle is at weekends, when the children’s conflicting social arrangements get in the way.
Some news last weekend meant I honestly thought of buying a ‘runaround’ just to accommodate the children.
If I lose my job and don’t find gainful employment, life will have to change.
But why is that such a problem.
That I might have to keep my children busy rather than rely on a runaround car to get my children to their various after school commitments?
The children are of any age now that they can walk to and from school.
The school which wasn’t selected solely on the premise that it is within walking distance but usually we are so poorly timed we drive half way. (It’s probably walking distance for 7-year-olds but with 4-year-olds it’s a slow amble).
In many ways this choice is making work easier.
The concept of what we are doing I am 100% in support, in execution I am struggling.
It has kept me awake at night when there is an early train to catch.
And tiredness is stopping me looking elsewhere.
Which simply can’t be the case.
A job popped into my inbox this week,
A job beyond my capability and within my aspirations.
I need to find the time to find my mindset and apply.
I just need sleep first.
And I’m standing firm on my need to sleep.
After too many weeks of deadlines and travel I am having a whole week working from home.
I stood on protest.
And I was heard.
And I am grateful.
My children are learning to pull my strings.
They don’t like the idea of me working away.
They’re absolutely fine, and talk to me ten to the dozen, when I’m away.
But they do the whole “I don’t want you to go to London.” “Can you take us with you?”. And I wilt.
And yes, when I offer to come home with Kinder Eggs suddenly me being away is welcomed.
And I am loving the way my children are growing up.
CM is becoming more manipulative, which sounds so harsh, but she is becoming more aware of the need to balance more people’s emotions in this act. Mummy is getting as much attention as daddy. Of course, the bursts of emotion when she’s caught out are still prevalent. And it is an absolute (silent) joy to catch her bossing her brothers around and getting caught.
B is becoming more like me than ever.
He was poorly, and whilst it was a disturbed sleep, he fell asleep on Thursday night at 6.30 and woke at 1 the next afternoon.
Definitely my child.
And yet baffled me with his refusal to eat chocolate whilst he was poorly.
And agreed he should go back to school on Monday lunchtime because he was better.
In E I am becoming so proud. For all the wrong reasons.
E has always been the poorliest of my children, for so many reasons.
And I have accommodated and pandered to this.
Maybe, or not, consequentially he has had the slowest speech development of all three.
But oddly, so oddly,
When he is cross, and when he is outraged,
He is the most articulate child that ever there was.
And I have to hold back my pride, and laughter.
He’s not like CM who bursts into tears.
He’s not like B who points and splutters.
He is E.
Who explains why he is hard done to.
And recalls every piece of evidence to support this fact.
And then gives you the look.
Yes, I need to provide my defence.
Of course, I succumb, and face my sentencing.
And see a glimpse of his pride in return.
For all of life lately,
For the things I have and haven’t done.
The things I’ve forgotten,
The things I ought to have done.
I have kept my family.
I have laughed, I have cried.
I have questioned, I have resolved.
And I have come home to love and to be loved.
What more needs to be said.