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Feeling content

Feeling content

The odd thing about knowing 2019 has a cliff edge from which I need to jump, is that I’m feeling content.

From a work perspective, I have been in my current employ for 17 years. And whilst I can’t declare that I have loved every minute. I feel satisfied that whether I have been happy or discontent, I have fought for the need to love my job. Like most, when I love my job, when I enjoy what I am doing, I am at my most productive.

The challenge I face is that over the past three years, I have loved every moment of my job. It has been the epitome of climbing every mountain. Where every mountain has led to the conviction that I can climb the next. I feel I have gained strength from each challenge, and stepped up to the next.

At home, we have continued to grow. The children in height, me and him in depth. It hasn’t been easy. He has returned to work, and the plates which we spin has changed. We continue to develop as individuals, and need our own space, and support in doing so.

And we learn so much about our tribe. There has been so much stability gained in CM finding her own friends. Friends who she doesn’t have to win over on a daily basis, who accept her. I continue to find there are moments when her approach is challenging.

CM’s temperament is easy to accept, but she has successfully underpinned this with her own style of manipulation. And there is every part of me which is proud of me for her knowing herself and others so well. But like a good magician, there is still the need for her to practice her art carefully. To keep people with her.

The boys continue to be up front and honest. And, as such, will never compete with their older sister.

B wears everything on his sleeve. Well, more so than his sleeve, on his face. He cannot contain his enthusiasm for life and his need to care. I’ve had to fortune to spend time with him, and to witness him spending time with others. 

I love how my boys feel such confidence with people older than they. And as much as I think of apologising, before I can get a word in: “It’s ok mum, I know we’re all meant to be walking behind Cam, but Cam has said I can walk alongside him.”. Deep breath and holding back the tears, we walk on.

Yet, of course, he gets himself into trouble. The usual, I’m sure. Y’know, diving into tents and wrestling with his brother.

Because, this has been one of the most difficult challenges, where do you go with physicality between twins. It’s also been difficult. Telling off one for hurting the other, whilst the other is retaliating, and the first is saying it’s ok.

And they’ve discovered WWE. Which is, of course, real. So they spend every spare minute practicing their moves on the other. And pay so much attention to their mother telling them that they are not to wrestle.

E continues in his obsessive.  He hooks onto things and can’t let them go. This enhances his sense of justice, because of course he can remember everything that happened a week or a month ago so much better than he can what I asked him a minute or five minutes ago.

Whilst B gets caught up in the motion, E is absorbed with the fact and process. Their love of WWE is for different reasons. But their passion… it’s inspiring.

And whilst there is a feeling of content, it’s as much to do with letting things go. My disorganisation has reached new levels. I was the mother, six years ago, who had 90% of her Christmas shopping wrapped and stored in the loft by September. This year, Christmas has yet to arrive at the Johnsons.

At work, since June, I have been dealing with the immediate. I know I am in all kinds of stress because I didn’t recruit a new project team in July, and have been hiring piecemeal. To now, where I’m optimistically hoping for three weeks off over Christmas due to me forgetting to take my annual leave. But it seems I have either seven or eleven business cases to write before I finish, and a week full of meetings. 

But in my head, I know it will be fine. 

I’ll be home for three whole weeks.

My laptop may need to be switched on.

But I’ll be home for three whole weeks.

And then it will be 2019, and it will be horrible, and it will be ok.

I will live, I will learn.

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