I don’t know where I heard the phrase ‘Breathe it all in – love it all out’ but I think this year it has become my mantra.
It works for positive or negative.
Admittedly at work the mantra changes slightly ‘Breathe it all in. Laugh it all out’. Some days I think I will get into trouble for my humour. My humour maybe sarcasm at times. Or just humour.
I found myself in a conversation the other day leaping from handbags and notebooks, to man-bags and Star Wars. I’m not really sure how it happened.
This year I feel like I’m finally finding me again.
I feel slightly smug. Thinking the boys being in year 1 might be the end of the more problematic of stresses. But I’ve seen the look friends of teens offer. I ain’t seen nothing yet.
But this year as we enter the straight to our forties I can’t help but find content.
Not in my appearance. Don’t get me wrong. I am still kicking my size 8 body for ever feeling fat.
But I’m edging towards acceptance; I might prefer a smaller self physically, but it definitely won’t make me a better person.
Mr J and I seem to be edging towards a better self in the collective sense. I haven’t wanted to say this aloud. I’ve thought it over and over. Probably since Easter. But we seem to have found a balance as a family of five. I think conversations around redundancy have helped. Knowing that we’ve chosen where we are now together. We’ve chosen our lifestyle. Come what may. It could be better. It could be worse. But it is ours. Friendship wise I think I am gradually getting back to where I was pre-children. I know I took my foot of the gas. I put my children first. And I don’t think I’d be able to call someone a friend who didn’t accept that. But it’s a big ask nonetheless.
I’ve gone back to uni. Without (or with little) anxiety. It’s easy to walk in to a situation where most are unlikely to know anyone.
I’ve walked into blogging events which have over the years been the cause of anxiety and excitement in equal measure. The difference in walking into rooms full of friendship circles and first timers. This year I’ve just had a feeling of ‘get over it’. People won’t like you. You might reach out and be ignored. But you just might meet the most wonderful people. You can’t overlook the chance to catch up with friends.
I wear a necklace every day. ‘Love what you do’. It holds me on every level. Friendship has enabled this. From a person who lives this every minute of the day.
It’s not perfect. I still struggle with friendships based on the year I gave birth and where I chose to school my children. But on this front I’m struggling most with priorities. It is predominately choice, but I’m still working on having nights out in addition to those I chose through established friendships. It’s not right, but it’s ok.
And then there are those. Who’ve been there. The besties. If you want to count the years it might cause unnecessary woe. And over the years the many dimensions of each other has become accepted. So much we don’t know, so much we keep in compartments. But all these dimensions make us the person we drink with.And it doesn’t matter. We each have stress, our pressures. And we each have a life which makes us happy to face the day.
What I’ve realised this year is we each have an ability to breathe it all in and love it all out.
We find the humour in the stress. To know that there is injustice; that there are people who drown in the inability to find happy who we can drown in acceptance; and sometimes there can be a hand which you’d rather life hadn’t drawn which only love will get you through.
Because there is a way through it.
Through laughter, through love and through a cwtch which just means the world.